i feel like life is running away from me

i feel like i am living in the past. i dont have any real prospects for my future and i dont really care about what will happen to me. i feel like my 'self' is completely detached from the present and my actions are limited to just upkeeping myself. i feel rotten.

i dont care about anything really. i dont feel worried about future events. i dont do anything at school. i try to invest the least amount of effort possible into studies and that too is only impulsive. there is no heaven and there is no hell.

i dont study for tests anymore, i dont clean my room, i hardly eat, i struggle with consistency, i dont invest time in friendships, i dont sleep sometimes, i hardly feel sad or happy or angry, im always tired no matter how long i sleep. i dont like myself, i dont know why. i feel like a shell of someone that is long gone. like a coffin or something.

time flies too fast. i feel like im still in like 2024, but actually im soon going to be 17. the always ticking never stopping clock of time is slowly robbing me of the only time when i can feel even remotely contempt with my life.

i always think that i will die in like two weeks, well maybe die or maybe something extremely horrible will happen. like a sense of impending doom in a way. maybe this is why i stopped looking forward to experiencing my future.

its like i lost interest in everything... im so fucking numb and i hate it, this numbness makes me drift even further from myself, i can't tell you how many times i made people stop talking to me or go away because i am oh so boring!

everything is so complex and yet people don't show it. like there are so many aspects and variables in everyday life and we are supposed to just brush it off? like you can have a life altering fight with someone which happened because... one of you slept an hour less than usual and felt a bit tired? and the worst part is.. you could never even know!! you could think that this person hates you and hates your guts so much but actualyl its just a brain thing!! like their meatball thats inside of their skull didn't get enough shut eye and now apparently you're the worst person in the world!!

i dont know this is all really messy